By now most Aussies probably know that two days ago Ms Gillard consulted the residual dregs in her tea cup and decided that the next federal election will be on 14 September. The Aussie news media went ga-ga. Even they must have been getting bored with bushfires, floods, cricket and tennis. There's a state election looming too - on March 9. Double zzzzz!
We ungrateful voters have some difficult decisions ahead. For starters, which candidates do we loathe the most? There are a few guidelines, firstly decide which ones have had the most Botox injections. Botox suggests how much a candidate is prepared to cover up the truth. Liberal and Labor leaders all seem to rely heavily on Botox to make themselves look like real estate agents, used car salesmen, or charismatic born-again Christians.
The next criteria is pork barreling. This is more difficult. It's pretty obvious there hasn't been much of it happening in Fremantle for years. An occasional glass of chardonnay with some cheese and biscuits is the most one can hope for, and even then you might find a parking ticket on your car.
No pork barrelling visible in Fremantle
Loquacious articulation by candidates is important. This is the ability to fend off embarrassing questions from overly inquisitive reporters. Since the announcement of the federal election the opposition leader Tony Abbott and Ms Gillard have both been demonstrating outstanding skills in this department. In making a judgement it's important to watch their placticised faces for signs of agitation and the hurried termination of press conferences. I don't know how we'll survive all the melodrama through to 14 September.
© MMXII Paul R. Weaver.
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About the writer
Check out each month's subject index on the Calendar Page for all my "common-man" monologues about survival in 21st century Australia – plus a little history occasionally. An original essay is added most days as part of an undertaking to write at least several million words. Zzzzzzzz!