Fremantlebiz - Paul's Letter from Australia

Sainte fumée Batman!

As Catholic pontiffs go, the current one Pope Benedict XVI doesn't seem to make the headlines as much as his genial predecessor, Pope John Paul II. However this week he has given a signal that any of the faithful who visit the healing spa at Lourdes in France at any time in the next twelve months, starting tomorrow, will at no extra cost be entitled to receive a free set of steak knives. Only one set per person. Other conditions may apply.

Actually I'm kidding, there is no set of steak knives, but there is a better prize for those who are cashed up enough make the pilgrimage. As a bonus for their sincere atonement they can receive an indulgence, which is a special form of blessing intended to reduce the time spent by really bad sinners in purgatory after they fall off their perch. Note the word 'reduce.' It doesn't necessary mean eliminate. So people like Mafia hit men are still likely to spend a long time in post-mortal discomfort feeding the worms before they eventually reach the good part of life-after-death.

Apparently there is also a special blessing called a plenary indulgence which is like a "go straight to paradise" card in Moslem Monopoly, but tougher conditions for this concession apply.

For those hit men and others who didn't take out enough superannuation to pay for a trip to France, or plenary indulgence, they can still participate in a special limited stay-at-home deal early next year.

If they know what's good for them, they can offer up special prayers to the Lady of Lourdes between the second and eleventh of February in 2008. Not sure if this allows for daylight-saving so its probably best to be on he safe side and mark the fridge calendar between the third and the tenth. However, the tacit message from Pope Benny is if it feels good, then do it - wherever you are.

The inspiration for these activities comes in celebration of the sesquicentenary of a series of hallucinations experienced by a malnourished but beautiful female shepherd person named Bernadette Soubirous.

She and her woolly flock of ruminants had been nibbling away in a grotto on what may have been magic mushrooms. When she returned to the swamp-like shoe-box of home for dinner of gruel with her equally malnourished family she said, "Mon Dieu! Vous n'aurez pas croire ce que je viens de voir!" which translates as, "My god! You won't believe what I've just seen!"

At first they didn't either. Why would the Virgin Mary just rock up out of nowhere and start delivering messages of encouragement to her? They were all living miserable lives too. Why not them instead? Jealousy prevailed at Lourdes.

The young Bernadette soon discovered that seeing an apparition is a bit like winning Lotto. It sounds good at first, but as so often occurs, a lot of unhappiness can result from excessive good fortune. The poor child was subjected to a variety of inquisitions and abusive investigations by people intent on convincing themselves that a miracle had occurred.

It had too, because she was eventually believed. Unfortunately she never received any of the royalty action from the wheeler dealer entrepreneurs who set up their holy water franchises where the magic mushrooms once grew. But she did become a Saint, so that was a sort of deemed as compensation for her troubles. Unfortunately she died of painful chronic illness in her mid-thirties. (Another case of God moving in mysterious ways.)

Ms Soubirous's hallucinations (she had about 18 in all) provided the inspiration for countless people to visit Lourdes in the hope that they might have one too. This is odd considering what happened to the poor young woman after she saw them. The apparition didn't seem to do her any favours at all.

Now via the miracle of the internet, it's time to go to cyber Lourdes. Click here and you are sure to feel much better than you did before.

© MMVII Paul R. Weaver.

About the writer

Check out each month's subject index on the Calendar Page for my "common-man" monologues about survival in 21st century Australia – plus a little history occasionally. An original essay is added most days as part of an undertaking to write a couple of million words.

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